I’m starting 2022 with the research of the foundation of every human existence – safety and how it affects our lives. This is the first post on the subject.
Let’s start with some observations made by reputable women’s psychology researchers. Emily Nagosky in her Come As You Are bestseller writes: “In The Science of Trust, relationship researcher John Gottman recounts the stories of women in abusive relationships… These women astonished him … by telling that some of the best sex they had followed immediately after the acts of violence. And in What Do Women Want? Daniel Bergner describes Isabel, who couldn’t get herself into a hot and bothered state about her respectful, cherishing boyfriend, yet she had felt magnetically drawn to the objectifying jerk who wanted her to dress trashy and, she knew, would never commit to a relationship with her. I’ve heard similar stories from many women”. I’m pretty sure you know identical stories or have been in the same situations yourself too.
Is there is something wrong with all these women? Absolutely not. Why do they need to go through some dramatic and sometimes extreme experience to be able to have a moment of enjoyment? Because before they can let themselves get lost in the sexual pleasure they need to feel that they are safe and secure. How abuse can be something that makes people feel safe?
To answer this question we need to look into how our sense of safety is brought to existence.
To be continued